Somehow, today's celebrations have been thoroughly trivialised in a shower of Clinton's cards, tacky Ann Summers novelty outfits, trite poetry, mid-priced R 'n' B compilation CDs and garishly themed areas in ASDA. But love matters, dammit! As does its physical expression: sex.
Ah, sex....
It's a beautiful thang. Defined as 'an act of coition between three or more consenting adults', it's the one chance for us to express who we are. Unequivocally. The most significant moment of human existence is the orgasm. Sex Magick as espoused by Aleister Crowley and Paschal Beverly Randolph posits that the sexual orgasm can be used to invoke spirits, alter reality, exercise our innate psychic powers and/or heighten one's consciousness. In that one incandescent moment true awareness flickers and flutters open. In that infinitesimal fissure of perception we can behold the truth.
And girls say we're shallow. Pah!
In my widely acclaimed book 'After you: Sexual Etiquette in the 21st Century' (which seeks to explore sexual politics in a post modern society where 'missionary' is now only viable as a sexual position if accompanied by a balaclava and a tub of chunky peanut butter) I suggest an ORGASM RATIO (tm) of 4:1, ie you ensure your partner climaxes at least four times before it's your turn to:-
1. make funny faces
2. issue blasphemous exhortations
3. convulse like a fox caught in an electrical fence installed to protect livestock
4. roll your eyes to the back of your skull like Gene Simmons preparing for a Bass solo
5. gibber like Alistair Campbell dodging a question on Iraq from Andrew Marr
and finally
6. gasp like an asthmatic okapi.
By observing this one simple rule and adjusting your ORGASM RATIO (tm) your sexual needs are more likely to be fulfilled and you're less likely to encounter a crushing, judgemental repulsion from the one you love when you give voice to your long kept secret desires. However, you may have to raise that initial number considerably if a) your partner's sexual tastes are strictly Victorian or b) you're into one of the following:
Acrophilia
Acrophilia (Acro: highest point; philia: attachment to) refers to a person who is sexually aroused by heights or high altitudes. Skydiving or bungee-jumping, for example, offer an adrenaline rush which easily metamorphoses into a sexual ecstasy and, let's be honest here, both of these activities include a light form of bondage and suspension so its pretty understandable. Janet Jackson and Richard Branson are self-confessed members of the 'Mile-High Club', so I'd suggest it doesn't have the same allure as when I joined. Watch yourself though, having sex in a public facility or toilet is actually punishable under section 71 of the Sexual Offences Act 2004 and on EasyJet there's now a service charge if you want to use the loo which is only avoidable if you use a Visa Electron card to book your flight.
Agalmaophilia
Pygmalion was a mythical Greek sculptor who fell in love with one of his female statues Galatea. At his request, the goddess Aphrodite brought her to life. Today the term refers to people with a statue or mannequin fetish. Displaysense, an acclaimed shop dummy manufacturer, now attaches warning stickers to its shop dummies after a man mistook one for a sex doll and got his penis stuck.
The chap bought the female bust from the Displaysense website for £38, but trapped his manhood inside a 24mm hole designed for a display stand. Luckily, he managed to waddle into his kitchen with the plastic dummy still attached, grab a pair of scissors, release himself and ring their call centre to enunciate a stern complaint.
Bee Stings
(Melissophilia; Entomocism - use of insects; Entomophilia - arousal from insects) Apparently bee stings can be used to extend the period of orgasm, enhance the sensitivity of the penis and increase its girth.
I found this dialogue online:
Would it be advisable to have a bee or wasp sting the penis to get a harder erection? And which part of the penis would it be better for applying the sting to?
My boyfriend would do this all the time and it would turn me on so much. You squeeze the abdomen of the bee to trigger it into combat mode, so it will sting and get the stinger out. You put the stinger in the urethra and keep on pinching the bee until it releases the venom and stings the penis. The reasons this works is because the venom from the bee makes your penis swell, and well, that just seems to make it harder and larger =)
So now you know.
Coitus a Unda
This refers to sex in water rather than watersports. People are quite fond of having a crafty one in the shower or bath and fellatio, during which the partner holds water in his or her mouth, is pretty awesome.
Cosmopolitan magazine highlighted the following water/bath related sex positions:
Hot-Tub Hug
Take advantage of this you-on-top pose to titillate his nipples. Draw gentle circles around them with your fingers as you grind.
Sea Horse
Since you’re in charge of the randy reins, lean your torso forward or backward to alter the depth and angle of penetration as you ride him.
Bubbly Back Float
Floating weightlessly gives you pelvic flexibility. You can experiment with aqua acrobatics that you couldn't manage on solid ground.
Niagara Falls
Have him grab the soap and lather up his hands before sliding them around your body. His wet touches will add an extra-sexy sensation.
Randy Raft
Your guy can move your legs up and down to vary the angle of penetration, creating alternating sensations for you.
Canoe Canoodle
Your bodies will be melded from head to toe, and the rocking motion of the boat will intensify each of his internal strokes.
Dogging
(Amomaxia: sex in a parked car.) Where couples in cars perform for a gathered audience. Katie Price and Alex Reid recently reviewed the Citroen Picasso for enthusiasts’ online journal, Doggers' Monthly.
"We're, like, totally mental and completely impulsive, yeah? So, right, we just, like, went to Vegas? Because that's what we wanted to do, yeah? Anyway, Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! We just so, like, loooooved the conveniently ‘eeezy-wipe’ interior? And the wider driver and passenger seats makes spit-roasting, like, so much easier? Plus the optional full-length sun-roof and increased windowed surface area lets more people enjoy what you're up to, and it’s great if you’re expecting the paparazzi."
"Oh, and the Citroen Berlingo is well buff! Deffo our 'best budget buy'. It was, like, ace, to find a high performance, affordable family car with the headroom to enjoy a good old-fashioned ‘reverse cowgirl’ position, innit?"
Homilophilia
(Autagonistophilia - arousal by being on stage or on camera. Homilo: sermons.) Homilophilia refers to feeling sexual arousal whilst listening to or giving public speeches. Public speakers are often dynamic and this, combined with excitement, anticipation and adrenaline can produce sexual arousal for both speaker and audience. Now, whenever I assume the role of event compere or host I imagine myself in a deep, warm bubble bath: rivulets of water cascading over my naked torso, effervescence playing gently over my nipples, a chilled glass of Veuve Clicquot Champagne on the side... Given my meticulous mental preparation, anything less than sexual arousal in these circumstances is unacceptable.
Nasophilia
Nasophilia (naso: nose; philia: attachment to) refers to arousal from the sight, touch or act of licking or sucking a partner's nose. The reasons for people digging this practice are varied. Inuits rub noses as a greeting, and certain Native American tribes traditionally rub noses, just as other cultures kiss on the lips, to express affection.
Palatin Technologies Inc developed a product in the mid-noughties, Bremelanotide, which was to be marketed as PT-141 Nasal Spray. Palatin conducted a study in 18 premenopausal and 26 postmenopausal women with a diagnosis of Female Sexual Dysfunction (FSD). Patients reported a significant increase in sexual desire and in genital arousal after receiving Bremelanotide, compared to a placebo, and a definite correlation was drawn between sexual desire and genital arousal in patients receiving Bremelanotide.
However, further tests must have gone "breasts awry" as the last communication on this wonder product reads as follows on the Palatin website:
"Following discussions with the Food and Drug Administration (FDA), Palatin discontinued work on Bremelanotide as an intranasal first-line therapy for sexual dysfunction."
Oculolinctus
Oculolinctus (oculo: eye; linctus: lick) refers to the act of licking a partner's eyeball for sexual arousal. I couldn't find any specific, noteworthy examples of this fetish, but what follows is very disturbing:
Eyeball sex scared help?
I was getting a beej from my gf and came in her eyes. She immediately washed them out with water but I was wondering if it was possible for the sperm to travel down the optic nerve into her body and get her pregnant?
Queening
This is the practice of a dominant female using a man's head as her throne. The woman sits in one of several positions, either on the side of the man's head or so that his nose is near her anus with his eyes covered by her genitals. The object of queening is bondage rather than cunnilingus. The man may wear supplemental ankle or wrist restraints.
Scrotal Infusion
(Ballooning; Scrotal inflation) Scrotal infusion is the process by which a saline solution is injected into the scrotal sac. The visual effect of the scrotal infusion resembles a water balloon. Men don't report any pain from this procedure and claim that one advantage is the solution filtering into the penis causing it to swell to the size of one of those Foster's Lager Supercans.
The website www.pumphouse.me.uk offers a comprehensive guide which states "don't be a pansy" and helpfully suggests "don't plan to move around too much for the next 30 minutes - hour. Have your beers/soft drinks or whatever already out of the fridge. You will want to stay idle and focused while you do this." Quality advice.
Their Bullet Point recap of the process reads thus:
1. warm the saline to just above body temerpature.
2. Make sure that the ballsack is cleaned with wipes provided and is loose hanging.
3. hang the saline above you to ensure gravity works.
4. open the blue tag and insert the spike on the gravity feed line.
5. make sure the clamp is closed (it’s on the line and has a wheel that opens closes the line.)
6. insert cannula into ball sack and withdraw the needle part leaving the plastic sheath inside.
7. unscrew the plastic cover from the other end of the gravity line (it can be on a bit tight so use some muscles)
8. open the clamp wheel to blead the air our of the gravity line and re-close the clamp wheel.
9. attach the gravity line to the cannula, it will half turn screw on.
10. open the clamp wheel to allow a steady infusion of saline.
11. you will be able to see the flow by looking at the vial at the other end of the gravity line just below the blue tag entry. Give the vial a little squeeze to allow a reservoir of saline into the
chamber.
If you are not getting a good flow rate then you can start
by jiggling your ball sack carefully to see if that increases the flow rate.
The spelling mistakes in step 8 gave me no cause for concern whatsoever, so from Monday morning you'll see me walking with a wider gait than usual...
Sex isn't just for Valentine's day, boys and girls, and if we're doing it right we can cause a magickal storm which rips a hole in the fabric of our material reality generating true revolution. Get yourself a harness, acquire a strap-on, speak exclusively in a West African tongue-clicking dialect, go without underwear for a day. Experiment. Pick one of the above kinks at random and have a go before the end of the year. Notes and feedback to the usual place.
I love you x
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