The End Of Everything

Those twin blueprints for life in the 21st Century - The Holy Bible and Hollywood - continue to embed the message that the end of everything will be accompanied by a cacophony: the bewildered multitude screaming as the world ignites and fades to black. The reality, however, is far more mundane. The end has already come. Quietly. It sneaked up while we were all looking the other way: like a gentle game of 'What's The Time Mr Wolf?'. You exhale, open your eyes and nothing is as it was.

Or where it used to be.

I came to this conclusion as I read through the Ofcom Broadcast Bulletins. Gotta love Ofcom, they're a body set up to protect us from offensive material broadcast on TV and Radio and the updates they post at regular intervals on their website are an absolute laugh riot. However, whilst you're doubled-up with mirth you're also crying like Charlie Sheen's anger management mentor because it's fairly obvious we're all in Hell. Actually, that's understating it somewhat. It would appear that, as a species perpetually in search of ever more base entertainment and distraction, we've clubbed together and bought the controlling interest in Satan Worldwide Enterprises Ltd.

But before I present the choicest morsels for your delectation I'd like to offer you their disclaimer:

It is Ofcom’s policy to describe fully the content in television and radio programmes that is subject to broadcast investigations. Some of the language and descriptions used in Ofcom Complaints Bulletins may therefore cause offence.

Okay so first up, and this proves just how precious Ofcom is, The Unexplained Channel showed a film called People From Space on October 30th 2009. The basic premise is two couples investigate an alien crash site, some weird stuff happens and they, similarly, start acting weird. Over to Ofcom:

The film contained varying levels of offensive language, including frequent use of the word “fuck” together with frequent references to milder language such as “asshole” and “dick”. The film also contained sexual language such as “I just came” and “I totally sprayed my shorts”. In addition, it included two female characters talking about sexual fantasies, with one character saying she wanted to be “spanked”.

Awesome, eh? "I totally sprayed my shorts". I'm going to start using that phrase in casual conversation just to watch expressions change amongst my peers. Anyway, we're all adults here so we can all fess up to having had nights like that, right? So what's the problem?

Ofcom received a complaint from a viewer who considered that the offensive language and sexual content was unacceptable for broadcast at 15:00.

I see. Fair enough. You wouldn't want to be watching Bob The Builder, have your finger slip on your reasonably priced Asda universal remote and encounter

two male characters talking about the contents of a pornographic video which they said included girls “fucking their brains out”.

It would just be wrong. And this is the wondrous nature of Ofcom: they investigate and respond to our complaints.

If you slide down to the bottom of this page, you'll read about my encounter with the legendary late night Freeview programming. In the plethora of stations assigned to Channel 94 upwards there is a succession of Adult channels offering a profusion of women of varying pulchritude in g-strings thrusting their bottoms at a camera perched at the end of a bed. Public Service Broadcasting if ever there was such a thing. These programmes kick off from midnight and it's fun to watch the reassuringly polyester sheets get progressively more oily during the course of the show. And by 'fun' I mean you can literally feel your soul dying inside.

Despite the late hour, practically all sexual content has to be excised and thus we're presented with girls possessed of misshapen silicone oddities masquerading as 'Devil's Dumplings' (copyright BlackAdder) in a detached, entirely asexual gyration redolent of the angry, sexless lapdance received by Mark in series 4 of Peep Show.

Go and ask your Mother, I'm a broad-minded individual, but fully understand those who would be offended by the bawdy ribaldry described above. However, were I more puritanical in my tastes: longing for an era in which the bustle, the hoop and a chaperone were the primary ingredients for a night out and I were to happen across Babestation or Partyland or Bang Babes between 1:00am and 3:00am I would turn it off and make my way to bed, harrumphing like Tiger Woods eating his pureed evening meal through a straw as he recovers from his recent reconstructive surgery.

What I wouldn't do is sit in front of my widescreen television screen with a pen and paper eagerly noting every vile transgression.

23 June 2009, 01:00 to 03:00 approximately

The complainant here was concerned that the presenter spanked her buttocks and close up shots of her genital areas were shown while she was only wearing a thong. Overall the complainant believed the sexual content included in this programme was excessive.

and

the presenter lay on her back with her legs up in the air and apart talking on the telephone.

Morally it's the equivalent of that conundrum where you place a dead cat on a lightly buttered croissant and throw it out of a top floor flat window to see how it lands. Or something. Were I a mutant I would delineate it thus: On the one hand, how in the name of Simon Cowell's bowel movement can this pass for entertainment? And on the other, why would anyone complain? And on the other, shouldn't we all feel empowered to voice our disquiet?

Generally Ofcom tend to find in favour of these Channels because it's past the watershed and that's behaviour one would reasonably expect to see, but let's face it: it's over. People are dying through their lack of access to basic resources. There's a perpetual war for a peace which benefits the few at the cost of many. Injustice is still in the hizzouse. And right now as I type this at 1:48am there will be men tuning into watch women disinterestedly trying to heave their buttocks right through a TV screen whilst others pore over the detail to issue complaint.

Hell in a handcart, people. Hell in a handcart.