7.00 Fern Britton's Bloodbath
In which the bubbly 52-year-old former This Morning presenter undertakes a series of fun, feel-good, frothy celebrity interviews as she opens her wrists in an elegant freestanding ceramic bath with marble soapdish, mounted taps and stylish nickel fittings.
7.30 It hurts. It hurts. For the love of God, kill me!
Celebrated author and convicted perjurer Jeffrey Archer continues his tour of the UK in an audacious quest to find someone who will end his, and our, torment. This week: Spindles Town Square shopping centre, Oldham.
8.00 The Real Me pt12 of 38
Our ongoing series in which Parliamentarians reveal their hobbies and we catch a candid glimpse of them off-duty. They work hard and play hard too! Tonight: MP for Shipley, Philip Davies, dresses up in a Nazi uniform and takes aim with a cordless, air-powered nail gun at a specially modified aquatic incubation unit filled with baby seals.
8.03 Vasectomy against the clock - Live from London O2 Arena
Elin Nordegren attempts to perform a Vasectomy with a dessert spoon and a length of twine in front of an arena crowd in under 2 minutes. Will she go 'Key-Hole' or 'Open-Ended'? Big Brother Series 4 winner Cameron Stout is on hand to cover all the action with incisive comment from Johnny Shentall.
8.05 P.P.I-Spy
Fascinating monetary discussion. A panel of Independent Financial Advisors combine watersports and prudent fiscal husbandry as they recommend comprehensive cover for loans, overdrafts and credit cards through the analysis of market leading Payment Protection Insurance policies, whilst urinating noisily into a skip.
9.00 I'm begging you, please don't do this
Deluded partners in relationships which have quite obviously run their course grovel and beseech their callously aloof and indifferent 'other halves' not to end it, whilst their tearful, jittery children await the outcome in the studio audience. Vernon Kay hosts.
9.30 Cluster Bomb Lottery
Fearne Cotton presents the show where five contestants compete to win a big money jackpot. 43 Gazan orphans, wearing numbered bibs, gambol through randomly selected burnt-out shells of buildings in derelict Palestinian streets as bets are placed on which one loses a limb first. All five players could share the spoils or just one of them could take the lot!
10.00 News & Weather
Mark Austin blindfolded, bound, gagged and suspended from the studio ceiling attempts to communicate the day's headlines. Plus, in a special report, Gareth Gates investigates what lies behind a horrific spate of ritualistic child sacrifices in Uttoxeter and meets a former witch-doctor who now campaigns to end the practice.
10.45 When Harry Met Sally in Stalingrad (dir. David Fincher 2006)
Box-office flop. Unsuccessful remake re-imagined during the WWII siege of Stalingrad. David Fincher sets out to explore the bleak nihilism of existence within narrow, well-defined Rom-Com parameters. Daniel Day Lewis is Harry, a wounded Russian sniper experiencing a crisis of confidence in both himself and Stalin's vision of the future. Lena Headey is Sally, an autistic Nurse in the field hospital where he recovers and ultimately finds redemption. Also stars Adam Sandler.
03.45 Nightscreen
A scrolling succession of ads on postcards gathered from city centre telephone boxes. Looking for a cheap, well-used TV? Keep watching...
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