Cheryl Cole: Livin' me dream, like

These are, indeed, the worst of times: I'm shuttling backwards forwards between the Doctor's office and hospital; Gideon Osborne officially doesn't know what he's doing; Tesco and Sainsbury's are predicting a Christmas shortage in potatoes, parsnips, carrots, sprouts, broccoli, cabbages, cauliflower and swedes; and party balloons will be far less floaty this festive season as the worldwide shortage of helium kicks in. Thank Santa then that two staples remain in place to keep us smiling during the long cold evenings, namely Stand Up Comedy DVDs and the celebrity autobiography.

Stewart Lee's Carpet Remnant World is by far the best of the comedy DVDs on offer, whilst the celebrity autobiography category is dominated by the colossus that is my mate Cheryl Cole's My Story. Not to be confused with Jessie J's autobiography with practically the same title, or Tulisa's Contostavlos' My Story So Far in which she tells us that Dappy has a penis which could conceivably belong to King Kong. Cheryl stopped by my hospital bed recently to share a bunch of designer Ruby Roman grapes and a chat.

It's so nice to see you again, Chezza. 

You too, pet. Hoo ye gannin'? Y'areet, hinny?

I'm not great, obviously, but thanks for visiting me and these grapes are amazing.

They're fooking champion! They're the most expensive fruit ever, like. They cost me an absolute fooking SHITE load, but I respect you, Basil and I like you too, so, y'know... No bother, like.

Thanks again, Cheryl. You've had an incredible 2012. You've hooked up with Tre Holloway, released a third solo album (A Million Lights), aired the Access All Areas documentary on ITV2, Girls Aloud have regrouped and your autobiography has just hit the shelves.

2012 has been so fooking crazy, man. Will.I.Am, he's, like, managing me (?), says it's going to get even crazier. Tre is my rock. My soulmate. We connect on every level and it definitely helps that he's hung like a Shetland Pony. This solo album was a real personal statement, the documentary was a chance to show ordinary people the real stresses of being Cheryl, Girls Aloud is just me getting back with me mates, and the autobiography is a chance to show ordinary people the real stresses of being Cheryl. Again. Revealing the real me, like. The Cheryl Cole who stays in of an evening reading Noam Chomsky in a tiger onesie, eating a meat feast Domino Pizza and farting like a good 'un. Lol.

You say that your album was a personal statement.

Aye.

Nothing exemplifies this more than Call My Name. Can you tell me a little bit about what you were trying to say with this song?

Well, first of all I didn't write it, Calvin Harris did, but what I had in mind when I was singing it was, like, me hitting back at the infantile, fundamentalist logic which is subservient to acquisition for its own ends and is impervious to compassion definining the world in a postmodern prescriptivism of black and white: they're evil and we're good.

Having been a solo artist for quite a while, how easy has it been for you to readjust to a group dynamic?

It's been great seeing the girls again... Well... Most of them. Nadine just keeps whining on about her failed restaurant. I wish she'd just bore off, like. Nicola Roberts is so pale sometimes, against certain backdrops she's literally transparent. At the moment we're rebuilding the set for our tour next year because there were points of the show where she disappeared completely and it looked like there was a microphone just suspended in mid-air defying the known laws of physics. Lol. No, but seriously, someone's got to drive the car and, given my phenomenal solo success and being the nation's sweetheart, the girls are willing to have me in charge.

You're as massive a fan as me, have you noticed the similarity between Chen Pacino's H-H-Humpin' Ya and PSY's Gangnam Style?

I know! Fooking mental, right? (Cheryl proceeds to sing H-H-Humpin' Ya to the tune of Gangnam Style) Chen was way ahead of his time. I reckon Will.I. Am is our modern day equivalent. Did you see him on The Voice?

Yes, I did.

What did you think?

When he talks he sounds like a malfunctioning R2D2 unit.

Lol. He's a musical genius though, just like Chen. When we win my case against Simon Cowell for sacking me off of X-Factor USA I'm gonna buy Chen's publishing rights and re-release his whole back catalogue as a 52 CD box set. I'm thinking of calling it Ay No Pacino. There'll be at least a couple of his protest albums in there.

How do you feel about PSY rowing back on his earlier position in criticising American foreign policy. Some of his earlier lyrics were a little incendiary. 

And he's apologised, yeah?

Yes, he has.


I see it like this, right. Americans have a President who is a mass-murdering psychopath and they apologise to absolutely fooking nobody for his behaviour. Nobody. Oh, sorry, Afghanistan. Those drones weren't meant to kill everyone at the wedding reception, only the terrorists, but the rest of the guests got in the way. And actually we're not going to apologise, because if anyone is of fighting age in the vicinity of a drone attack we've rewritten our constitution so that we're allowed to kill you just in case. Yet they expect, nay, demand, that a pop singer apologise for some lyrics in a song he recorded years ago? PSY has no blood on his hands, whereas Barack Obama could bathe in the blood of his victims, and for all I know, he probably uses it as shower gel.

If I want to hear to an apology from any pop singer, I'll take one from the gaggle of twat artists who endorsed Obama and conveniently turn a blind eye to the murders he commits daily. Snoop Dogg, Bruce Springsteen, Madonna, Michael Stipe, 50 Cent, Chris Martin, Nicki Minaj... I could go on, but I won't. These fooking assholes are the ones who should apologize, not PSY. Although, it's pretty piss poor that PSY is so desperate to get on Letterman that he'll say anything. Sell out. At least he brought MC Hammer out of retirement though.

People don't get to see this side of you. The politicised Cheryl Cole.

They don't want to see it.

Why not?

They're happy to see me as a piece of fluff. Trivia. A clothes horse with no discernible talent and absolutely nothing to say with dubious views on race, although I'm always gaggin' for the dark meat, if you get my drift?

And that isn't you?

Hadaway, man. Is it fook, like.

I see.

At the moment the way our government voted on that UN vote on Palestine is really pissing me off, like. The UN voted overwhelmingly to recognise Palestine as the world's 194th state. It’s a massive victory for the Palestinian people, for justice and for peace. Do you know why the UK abstained? Because we sell shed loads of arms to Israel - £2.4m between April and June this year - and we can't afford to cut off a gushing revenue stream irrespective of the unrelenting oppression and its illegality. Talking of gushing streams, I'm gonna have to go before I piss meself. Lol. No, no, no. You keep the grapes. Think of them as a Christmas present. Like I said to that black toilet attendant before I kicked her head in for looking at me funny, Season's Beatings. Laters.

* Girls aloud tour the UK next year between February and March

Matt Cardle's Official Private Diary: January

It's been a crazy month and a bit since an audience of 19 million people watched me win 'X Factor'. If you were one of those who either watched me or voted for me, I wanna say "Thank you. Thank you for making ALL my dreams come true." I've gone from fronting a band going nowhere and painting and decorating to hanging out with celebrities, going to parties, appearing at HMVs nationwide, snogging fit birds with bangin' ba-donka-donks and covering songs by my idol Chen Pacino. Nice, yeah? I want to personally thank Basil who's given me this dead high profile outlet for my thoughts so I can let you know exactly what's been going on. He's a top bloke.

January 15th 2011

I was out with the totally hawt Stacey McClean last night and we saw Cheryl Cole who came over to the VIP section and threatened to kick Stacey's head in cos she thought she'd spilled her pint. Gotta love Cheryl. She keeps it realer than real. Hardcore.

January 19th 2011

So, like, I've got my tongue deep inside this girl's arse, yeah? My stubble all over her creamy cheeks and she turns around and she's all indignant:

"Excuse me! Do I know you?"

And I'm like, "Duuuuh!" and show her my special Simon Cowell approved 'Platinum Pussy Pass', which is really just a badge that says "Matt Cardle: 'X Factor' Winner 2010" and she goes MEN-TAL. "Ohmygod!Ohmygod!Ohmygod!" Paddling like a toddler with new Marks and Sparks wellies in a puddle of her own sex wee-wee. And I can't blame her, cos I'm kind of a big deal now and if I could get my tongue up my own arse I'd never get out of bed. Ya get me? Sweet.

So it's all awesome, yeah? But now, right, cos she's made such a scene, EVERYONE in the Post Office wants an autograph. Yawny, yawn, yawn! So I make my excuses and I'm out of there like Prince William's hairline. Ass ta la vista, baby!!!

January 22nd 2011

Dannii Minogue gives me a bell this morning. We've both got the same special ringtone for each other on our iPhones; 'Boom Boom Pow' by The Black Eyed Peas. It's sooooo hardcore, but it makes us laugh. Good times. Anyway, literally as soon as I won 'X Factor' she whispered that she had an idea for a duet. When I'd completed the rough demo (a cover of Chen Pacino's 'H-H-Humpin' Ya') and we were listening to the playback, she looked at me with tears in her eyes. I knew exactly how she felt. It was deep. Titanic deep.

She says she wants to hook up later 'cos there's some coving in her lounge that needs sorting. So it's off to the Wickes in Hanworth. I know what you're thinking: why not B&Q? Well, with Wickes there's a far wider range of products at everyday prices, so, y'know, that's why I go there... PLUS I have some of my best song ideas wandering around the aisles looking for their greased felching grips. With this particular job I reckon the Wickes duopolymer coving will be perfect cos it's really light to handle and the Wickes cove adhesive is easy to use and fills in the gaps proper well.

Got to Dannii's place around 2ish and after a cup of tea she asks me if I want to get started. "Sure," I said, "the lounge is through here, isn't it?"

"Cripes, you're dim, mate. I meant me mut, Matt!" In her Aussie accent she flattened the vowels so that the last bit sounded like "...me mat, Mett!" I looked at her funny cos I didn't really understand. Ms Minogue heaving her Asda floral gusset to one side, fixing me with an intense stare and intoning "You. Owe. Me." soon made the message clear.

Yeah. She's right. I do owe her.

I suppose if I had to liken Dannii Minogue to a bar snack it would be a twiglet. Or pork scratchings. A salty, piquant taste that takes a little getting used to. I don't really like either of them, but, y'know if I'm pressed and there's a lack of any other savoury snacks...

January 25th 2011

Spend the morning jamming with the band I was in before I went on 'X Factor'. I've told them I haven't really left and that once the hysteria dies down and Simon's 'Platinum Pussy Pass' has expired we'll get back together. I'm not sure though. I see myself more as a Darius Danesh or John Lennon solo artist, y'know, a social commentator. We'll see.

My Manager rings to tell me that HMV in Sudbury is closing down, so my appearance there this afternoon is cancelled. That's weird. "I thought HMV weren't going to be closing their shops for a while?" I said.

"They must have heard about your recent appearance at the Bayswater HMV* where you played that stuff from your second album," he laughed. He's always kidding me like that.

"So, Jeff, what time am I getting there?"

"No, seriously. It's cancelled. They said they might as well close down today if you turn up."

"Right, so what am I doing this afternoon instead?"

"Have you got any of those greased felching grips left? Louis Walsh says he wants you to pop 'round. He's got a little project for you in his spare room. Hold on. No, wait." I hear Jeff rustling some papers.

"Sorry. Not spare room. Dungeon. He says you owe him."

Fair enough.

January 27th 2011

'Loose Women' this lunchtime. The hospitality room here is amazing. They've mimicked nature’s colour scheme by painting the room in colours found outside the window. Not sure if they went with Wickes' own or luxurious Dulux, but they've painted both the walls and ceiling in an unobtrusive caribbean pale blue, which is tastefully offset with a palm green throw rug on the hardwood floor. I'm on after Kerry Katona who looks like she's back on the medication she was taking when she made that famous appearance on 'This Morning'. She asks if I want to try some of her special 'diet powder'. I tell her I'm cool.

When the four 'Loose Women' interview me I feel like a wounded Antelope on the plains of the Serengeti being stalked by hungry lions. That Carol Mcgiffin is the worst. She hands me her damp knickers off-camera whilst they're playing my video for "When We Collide" (which Simon told me I'd made my own and stayed at number one for three weeks!) and whispers that she wants a "Cock and Va-Jay-Jay collision." I'm sure she's drunk. I tell her to call my manager Jeff. She needs to back up and get in line.

January 28th 2011

Mid-afternoon and I'm collecting one of those cut crystal glass bowls from 'Woman's Own' for being voted as having The Sexiest Buns Of The Year. The award is handed over by Max Beesley, who's won it the past five years running (!). As we pose for press fotos he grips my hand really tight, making me wince, and with his grin fixed hisses in my ear, "Better watch your back, Cardle. You don't fuck with me in my house." I wouldn't dare. I love Max. He's done loads of great work. He's mates with Robbie Williams and he did that brilliant film with Mariah Carey. Everyone I know calls him "The Guv'nor". I tell him to give my manager Jeff a bell cos it'd be sah-weet if he could play piano in my touring band. He seems really made up and gets a bit weepy as he hugs me and repeats "Thank you, thank you, thank you," over and over again. Apparently those 'Jobsite' ads don't pay too well and 'Hotel Babylon' has been cancelled.

January 29th 2011

A strategy meeting with the Syco team at Cowell Towers. They suggest a co-headlining tour with Susan Boyle to maintain my profile which'll end with an appearance at the death metal festival Bloodstock. I'm being honest here, I'm not sure about it. When I go out live I plan to do a load of stuff from my second album 'Dark Delicacies', which'll come out after this 'X Factor'-related one. It'll be a concept album charting one man's descent into the darker recesses of his own private hell. Most of it'll be just me and an acoustic guitar addressing stuff that really matters to me in songs like 'Hey, Mr Broadband' and I'll be hooking up with The Black Eyed Peas to record the Will. I. Am. penned 'Platinum Pussy Pass'. I agree with Alan McGee, he really is the reincarnation of Sly Stone. I'm not sure if the sheer scale and ambition of my work will go down well with Subo's audience who don't tend to be as thoughtful, quiet and respectful as mine.

I'm just about to venture a tentative "Erm, I don't think so, Simon," when Leon Jackson bursts into the room waving a pistol and screaming "Where's my fucking career, bitch?"

I hit the floor and scramble under the table in a blind panic. Simon's dead calm. "I don't know what you did with it, but I'm afraid you won't find it here, Leon," he says, and then Subo leaps on him and wrestles him to the ground. Apparently, Joe McElderry was waiting at the front of the building in the getaway car. Really scary.

Simon has Leon undressed by security and his ankles and wrists bound to a chair. Simon's eyes look like pools of blue-black oil. Cold. Full of rage. His face is hard.

"Who sent you?" he asks as he slaps Leon with the back of his right hand. Again. And again. A small purple egg starts blooming under Leon's right cheek. Leon spits a mucusy a thread of blood at Simon's feet and laughs a mirthless, hollow laugh. "Fuck you, Cowell," he says.

They drag him away unconscious. "What's going to happen to him?" I ask. "Don't worry about Leon. Worry about yourself, Matt." He sits down, straightening his shirt. "Now, about this tour..." he says, wiping the back of his hand with a white silk hanky which comes away all red and blotchy with Leon's blood.

"I'm in," I say eagerly. "Whatever. Whenever. Wherever. I'll do it!"

* You can read this diary entry in my bezzie mate Basil's previous blog. Take it easy, yeah?

Chen Pacino: A Life In Music and Pictures

Chen 'Pacino' Qi Lan (31 October 1956 - 11 November 2010) was an iconic film actor and musician from Hong Kong. Chen is considered the founding father of 'HoKoPop' and managed to combine a hugely successful action film and pop music career. In 2008, Chen was named "South East Asia's Biggest Superstar" by Hong Kong Central Television, and was voted/ranked 1st in the "Favorite Actor in 100 Years of South East Asian Cinema" poll in 2005. Recently, he was voted into 3rd place in QVC's "Top Five Most Iconic Musicians Of All Time" list, placing behind just behind Michael Jackson and The Beatles.

Childhood and education

Chen 'Pacino' Qi Lan was born in Kowloon, Hong Kong. He was the youngest of six children in a middle-class family. Cheung Siu Ha, his father, was a very well-known costume designer, whose work included the original suit for the creature in Ridley Scott's 'Alien'. His parents divorced when he was quite young. Chen attended the famous Rosie Hill Dance School (Meadow Road, Hong Kong) from the age of 6 until he was 12.

At the age of 13, he was sent to England as a boarder at Eccles Abbey School, but was subsequently asked to leave the school due to "unusual and offensive" behaviour with the school Wildebeest. Back in Hong Kong he worked as a waiter at his relatives' restaurant and sang during the weekends. It was around this period that he chose his nickname, 'Pacino'. According to Chen, he chose this name because "I love the film 'Cruising' and I liked Al's performance in it. His name was evocative and inspirational, so I took it."

In several of his interviews, Chen stated that he had had a fairly unhappy childhood. "I had a fairly unhappy childhood. I was brought up by my Uncle Dave who was essentially a transsexual fascist. He would goosestep around the house wearing Vegas Showgirl outfits shouting racial epithets. However, what I would say most affected me as a child was my Uncle Dave's love of cinema. We'd go at least twice a week when I was growing up."

Early career

In 1977, Chen won second prize by singing KISS' 'Love Gun' at the Asian Music Talent Contest held by Rediffusion Television (RTV). He signed a contract with RTV, which subsequently became Asia Television Limited (ATV) and began his career in the entertainment industry. He also signed a music contract with Polydor Records, releasing 'Hot, Sweaty Sex' (1977) and 'H-H-Humpin' Ya' (1979).

The early days of his career were not easy. He was once booed off the stage during a public performance after he sang the wrong words in the second verse of 'H-H-Humpin' Ya', and his first two albums were not welcomed by the public. He left Polydor Records at the end of his contract. Chen's first film, 'Erotic Dreams In The Whore's Boudoir' in 1978 was a soft porn film. Chen later stated that he was unaware of the sexual nature of the film when he signed the contract.

During the 1970s and 1980s, he appeared in a number of TV dramas such as 'The Young And The Listless', 'Super Army Soldiers', 'Out On The Pull', and 'Sailors On Shore Leave'. These TV dramas helped turn him into a household name in South East Asia.

Ascension to fame

In 1982, Chen joined Capital Artists upon the end of his contract with RTV. In 1983, Chen released his first hit song, 'The Wind Blows On'. In 1984, he released his first top ten hit song 'Let's Do It Like Your Mum And Dad', which became the first up tempo song to win the 'RTHK Top Ten Chinese Gold Songs Award'. 'Let's Do It Like Your Mum And Dad' became representative of a new genre of Hong Kong music in the mid 1980s. Fans began to demand fast and energetic, or 'HoKoPop', songs which would be suitable for both dancing and listening. Other Top Ten Gold Songs released by Chen through Capital Artists included 'Let's Get Arrested' (album, 'I'm All About The Sweat', 1985); 'You And You And You And Me' (album, 'Chen Pacino: Want Some, You Dirty Cow?', 1986) and 'Kinda Legal Love' (theme song for 'Skyscraper Peril', album 'It's Long, It's Thick And It's In You', 1987). 'You And You And You And Me' became the 'Gold of the Gold Songs' (Best Song) of the Year for 1986.

Chen's movie career was a little slower to take off. He appeared in supporting roles in his second and third movies 'Skyscraper Peril' (1987) and 'The Dead Walk The Earth, Kill Everybody And Then The Murderous Cycle Starts All Over Again' (1988). However, his acting talent was soon recognized with his nomination for the Hong Kong Film Awards' Best Supporting Actor for his role in 'The Dead Walk The Earth, Kill Everybody And Then The Murderous Cycle Starts All Over Again '. Subsequent to this nomination, he played the leading role in 'Sexy Time Dreamers' (1989) which is widely considered by film critics as representative of Hong Kong 'New Wave' films. Chen's role as Mifune in 'American Assault On Democracy' won him his first Best Actor nomination of the Hong Kong Film Awards. Later, Chen stated that he considered 'American Assault On Democracy' as his first "real" movie. During this period, Chen continued to act in a number of Television Broadcasts (TVB) dramas, such as 'Once Upon Atrocity' and 'The Arkwright Family'.

Stardom and retirement

In 1990, he joined a revived Polymer Records Hong Kong and released the album 'Lose The Dress, Keep The Heels... And The Handcuffs... And The Ballgag' in 1990. 'Lose The Dress, Keep The Heels... And The Handcuffs... And The Ballgag' became the Best Selling CD of the Year and IFPI Best Selling Album in Hong Kong. The success of 'Lose The Dress, Keep The Heels... And The Handcuffs... And The Ballgag' made him one of the top two 'HoKoPop' idols at the time (the other was Colin Stevens).

From 1991 to 1997, Chen put his music career on hold and acted in a number of movies which are now considered Hong Kong Action classics by film critics and Cheryl Cole. They are, chronologically, as follows;

1991 'The Dead And The Deader'

1992 'Zombie Sluts Go Boom!'

1993 'Cops n' Hookers'

1994 'Murderscape'

1995 'Ein, Zwei, Drei, FEAR!'

1996 'Kung Fu Geishas A Go-Go'

1997 'Spank Master'

1998 'Spank Master II: Harder and Faster'

In 1999, with his popularity beginning to ignite globally (his Letterman appearance that year remains a 'must watch', on YouTube), he attempted to crack Hollywood. The breakthrough, however, was not to be as he was fired after an on set disagreement with Bruce Willis whilst shooting Ridley Scott's 'The Hot Zone', which was subsequently abandoned.

This failure drove Chen into retirement and the millennium saw him retreat from the spotlight completely to open the Tai Mo Shan Owl Sanctuary. Indeed many of his rescued owls were used in the recently released movie 'Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole' for which Chen Pacino received credits as both a 'Creative Consultant' and 'Owl Wrangler'.

He made a brief appearance during the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics in 2008 which saw him receive a rapturous reception. His last work was a collaboration this summer with Peter Andre on a reworking of his 'H-H-Humpin' Ya' hit which has yet to be released.

Chen Pacino is survived by his partner Colin Stevens and 3,000 owls.

In The Spotlight: Cheryl Cole

What motivates you?

Apart from making sure my new album 'Messy Little Raindrops', which came out on Monday, is a massive success? Lol! As a singer-songwriter, dancer, model and TV Personality I just want to be an inspiration. If only one person sees me on 'The X Factor' and puts down 'de' gun or 'de' knife - that's how they say it - Cheryl Cole will have been successful. That's what gets me out of bed in the morning.

What de-motivates you?

Negative people. That sounds harsh and I'm sorry, but I make no apologies for it. There are loads of reasons for not doing something. Look at Nadine. People said: "Are you mental trying to launch a solo career? You haven't got a fraction of the profile of Cheryl Cole," but she's having a go anyway. Good on 'er, I say.

What do you get up to in your spare time?

You mean when I'm not being "The Nation's Sweetheart"? Lol!!! I read lots, y'know the 'Twilight' books, 'Harry Potter'. I've got my nose buried in 'Madame Bovary' at the mo'. I listen to music. It's usually straight up gangsta rap like Black Eyed Peas. I've got so much time for Will. I. Am. He's so generous and kind and talented. Did you see him in that 'Wolverine' film?!? I literally wet my black, silk thong! Pissed right through on to the seat and everything! He's like Pacino. Chen Pacino, who did a lot of Hong Kong action movies in the early 90s. When I'm running or at the Gym, I'll usually listen to Damaged Gods. That Brother B is totally lush and I've heard he's a bit of an oversized freak in the trouser department. Have you got his number? Lol!

What job did you want to do when you were at school?

I had under-age sex and lost my virginity aged 15. I mean, I have no regrets or anything like that because I made my boyfriend wait for three dates before I let him gggrrrriiiinnnddd me from behind. I think it was in double French… Anyway, there was a whole "to-do" and I had to see a counsellor and I thought, "Yeah. I'd like to do that," because that counsellor turned little Cheryl's life around. So, a counsellor or summat like that is what I've wanted to be for the longest time and I get to do that on 'The X Factor'. People think that Cheryl just has to say "Yes," or "No," but sometimes you have to put a question mark on there because, y'know, it's really up to Simon. Or you've got to get emotional just before we go to a break. Cheryl literally changes lives and that's a really heavy load to bear.

Where is your favourite place in the world and why?

Ooooh… That's a tough one! Cheryl Cole is like a global brand. I'm not saying I'm going to join the panel of judges for 'American Idol' or owt like that, but that's the kind of game Cheryl's bringing to the party table. Milan! Paris! New York! Berlin! Droitwich! I'm all over the place these days, especially with 'Messy Little Raindrops' coming out on Monday. Everyone wants a slice of Cheryl! I'd say wherever Cheryl is, is where Cheryl needs to be and that's my favourite place in the world.

Which famous person (living or deceased) would you most like to meet and why?

Richard Dawkins. End of. He's dead clever. I like to accessorise some of my outfits with rosary beads, crucifixes and temporary henna tattoos of our Lord, Jesus Christ. They're obviously 'out'. The Pope's visit didn't go that well and I'd like him to suggest some alternatives.

What makes you laugh out loud?

Britain's "Ethical foreign policy"! Lol! I'm kidding. Seriously, we need to root out evil and punch it in the face repeatedly. I'm going to go with 'The Larry Sanders Show'. No one knows about it in England, because the BBC only ever showed it after midnight, but it's dead brilliant. I made sure I got the boxset in the divorce. Lol! Oh, and Nadine. I haven't seen her or spoken to her in ages, but I see her on television or hear her single and I can't help it. I start laughing! Lol!

Your one piece of advice for future generations:

Don't lose your rag with a toilet attendant! Lol! Only kidding. Sharon Osbourne and I never quite saw eye to eye 'cos I replaced her on 'The X Factor'. But I read an interview she gave to the 'Sunday Star' and she said how beautiful and talented I am and how I have to beat men off with a shitty stick. Which is dead true! Lol! She's a lovely woman, Sharon. And so wise. She's taught Cheryl so much. What was the question again? Oh yeah, be yourself.

Chelsea or Manchester United?

Man U, all day, baby! Lol!!! Nah, Chelsea. I still get on with Ashley. Apart from 'The Larry Sanders' boxset, of course. Lol!

Favourite Film you would recommend:

'Avatar'. Have you seen it? It's literally the best film ever! Oh, my God! I want to live on Pandora. James Cameron is a genius!

Can't see the Woods for the threesomes

Living black icons are few and far between these days. There's me, obviously, Barack Obama, Nelson Mandela, Denzel Washington, Dr Cornel West, Chris Rock and Tiger Woods. It's not a definitive list by any means, but they're the only ones I can think of right now. For a hot minute, at the beginning of the millennium, it looked like Richard Blackwood would join our exclusive club, but the genius of Chris Morris' Brass Eye Paedogeddon Special put paid to that and perhaps we should be thankful.

So will my cohorts and I lose the company of Mr. Woods? That's the question. He gave a press conference on Friday to apologise for ever giving the impression that he was an asexual being with a smooth, rounded plastic groinal area resembling that of an Action Man. The first thing I noticed (apart from the fact that not even Gordon Brown crying about his dead daughter got this kind of media coverage. Our Prime Minister upstaged by a tumescent, throbbing Black penis? Awesome!) was that his head looked all weird and lumpen without his personally trademarked cap and as a consequence his face didn't make sense: he resembled a really bad hand in scrabble, all consonants and no vowels, with a 'Q' and a 'Z' thrown in just for a goof.

Turns out he hired George W. Bush's media advisers for this press conference and whilst it was scripted far more clumsily than Guy Ritchie's Revolver and delivered in a manner which would make even Jason Statham exclaim "That was shit. Can I do that scene again?", he offered what seems a genuine apology (see the hand on heart foto above). But then if I had billions of dollar$' worth of corporate sponsorship on the line I'd be apologising like a motherfucker too. I guess the only people who'll know if he meant any of it for sure are Tiger and his wife.

Golf was invented so that the rich could go for walks without bumping into peasants and the target demographic for any golfing TV broadcast remains middle-aged, middle-class men, popping Viagra like smarties who are trying to decide whether to upgrade to a Chrysler 300 or a Mercedes Benz at Easter. Their wives pretend, hypocritically, to be shocked at Tiger's antics, whilst kicking themselves that they could have actually met him a couple of years ago if they'd gone to that corporate hospitality thingy he hosted during the local golf tournament. Most men will pretend to be appalled at what Tiger's done whilst hissing "Go on, my Son!" under their breath - everyone with a pulse recognises that if you can't start a conversation with "'S'up, sweet thing? I'm Tiger... Fancy a bit?", then what's the point of being a billionaire? - whilst 'Golf Widows' the world over now fantasise more about sex with the Tiger than with their husbands. Fact!

It was amusing to watch the corporations run away from him like Cheryl Cole fleeing a Relate Counselling session; Accenture dropped him; AT&T barred his calls; and Gillette advised that they would be scouring the planet looking for literally anyone else to shave for them - I personally turned them down last Wednesday, so expect your call any minute.

Ever searching for the world between the cracks in the pavement I figured I'd slide by Tiger's website and see if there was an official story.

web.tigerwoods.com ROCKS at the moment. It's choc-full of innuendo and reads like a first draft of 'Carry On Golfing'. In the section entitled 'Tiger's Tips' (fnar, fnar), where the man himself offers advice allowing us to emulate a Golf Master and improve our 'game', we find:

'Holding firm greens' (!)

and

'Face up in the rough' (as opposed to 'Face down in the rough', presumably)

His monthly blog includes:

'Playing three in a row' (lucky bastard!)

and

'Developing endurance and stamina' (riiiight...)

All of which, I would suggest, got him into trouble in the first damned place.

Anyway, he's going back to rehab for a while and it made me wonder: what exactly do they do in there?

My first port of call was the Sexual Recovery Institute who claim to treat;

• Sexual Addiction
• Compulsive Masturbation
• Online Hookups
• Porn addiction
• Chronic Infidelity
• Prostitutes & Massage
• Exhibitionism
• Voyeurism
• Strip Clubs

Not that I suffer from 'Strip Clubs' or 'Prostitutes & Massage' personally, but they sound pretty serious, don't they?

The Mayo Clinic identifies the symptoms of sex addiction as follows;

• Having sex with anonymous partners or prostitutes
• Using commercial sexually explicit phone and Internet services
• Engaging in excessive masturbation
• Frequently using pornographic materials
• Engaging in masochistic or sadistic sex
• Having a fixation on an unattainable sex partner

But, strangely, when you visit their site you get pop-ups advertising what can only be described as special interest Adult DVD titles such as;

'Tiitten Party: Big Bouncing Euro Tits' and 'Rock That Midget 2' (to be honest, a quick scan of the second one reveals that it has very little to do with music). Evidently some kind of cruel test to make you think "Please, God, it's happening again! I'm being assaulted by porn!!!" and immediately sign up for a course of treatment.

As the prescient Chris Rock observed "Men are only as faithful as their options," so someone like Tiger, logically, will be more predisposed to extrajudicial coitus. Ditto Ashley Cole, Vernon Kay, John Terry etc etc... Thus, his only crime seems to have been getting caught. If he had balls as big as Our Tone's then, once fingered, he would have denied it and then bounced up and down like a toddler at a Tweenies concert shrieking that if he had to do it all again, he would ('my friend, Fernando').

Besides, Tiger's real crime, which will never ever get mentioned, but for which he should definitely say 'sorry', is documented in the film 'The Golf War'. In the late nineties the government of The Phillipines, its military and a cabal of greedy land developers, attempted to displace thousands of villagers and farmers from their homeland to build a golf course. Opponents to this gleaming 'economic development' were killed, whilst Mr Woods was hired by the government to play in an exhibition match and promote the game of golf. The government called it "The Day of the Tiger" and at his junior golf clinic Tiger uttered these portentous words;

"I want all of you to learn and grow from this experience. Invariably you're gonna learn life, gonna learn about life because golf is a microcosm of life."

Romy Capulong, legal representative for the farmers, assumed a diametrically opposed position: "Tiger Woods should be barred from entering this country, I think. If I can do something about it - I'll certainly do that - to bar him from entering this country and propagating golf."

Kinda puts banging a few porn stars into perspective, n'est ce pas?

Denzel Washington revelled in his Oscar winning role as the amoral Police Officer on a powertripping bender in 'Training Day', but felt the character was so depraved and corrupt that the only just retribution was death in a hail of bullets. As the perpetual, so-called 'War On Terror' unravelled this seemed completely out of step with reality, so much so that if you watch the movie now you feel let down by a lazy, disingenuous cop-out (sorry) of an ending which sits uneasily with the easy nihilism of the film.

Evil always prospers.

Politicians never apologise.

However, wouldn't it be great if just once. Once! A world leader, any world leader, proffered a Tiger style 'mea culpa' and then went into Conflict Rehab to cure his War Addiction?